Any% text guide

By NoobSalmonNoobSalmon. Last updated

This is the current known fastest route (developed by MadMonkeyMud), and the current route the WR run uses.
Some parts can be done in a different order but the basic frame for the fastest route is featured here.
Watch PB runs of MadMonkeyMud and NoobSalmon for reference.
The guide is for PC mainly because of the shortcuts but any platform can be used with the basics.

TIMING:
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Timing method is RTA (Real time). Start timer at pressing 'No' on Developers' Commentary dialogue box after hitting 'New Game', stop timer at the last dialogue option with Purple Tentacle ('Why don't you zap Dr. Fred ... ')

TIPS:
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- Use hotkeys and shortcuts deliberately (see forum for hotkeys). Also you can use the default verb shortcut with right clicking on the mouse. It is useful for opening/closing doors faster for example since the default action for doors are open and close.
- Use the classic UI for the inventory, it's easier and faster to do menu management
- I suggest using the classic graphics for less rendering power, although I think the animations are basically the same so it doesn't matter that much timewise.
- During the game, 'Meanwhile...' cutscenes can occur which depend mostly on in-game time. Just skip them by Backspace once it happens.

ROUTE:
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Skip cutscene with Backspc and on the help dialogue box appearing after the cutscene
Bernard 1:
Open Grandfather's Clock
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Go to the right and skip cutscene (Backspc)
Pick up the paper below the buletin board
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Skip Hoagie's dialogue with '.' (dot/period button) right after.

Hoagie 1:
Walk towards the path
Walk towards the inn
Walk to the left next to the inn
Open the mailbox
Pick up the letter
Send letter to Bernard
Skip dialogues with mashing '.' (dot/period button)
Switch back to Bernard

Bernard 2:
Skip cutscene with Dr. Fred (Backspc)
Go upstairs
Skip the animation of Bernard crawling out of the clock (Backspc)
Go upstairs
Enter the door on the left (labeled 'W')
Close the door
Pick up the keys
Open the door and leave the room
Enter the door in the middle (labeled 'R')
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Pick up the invisible ink
Give the letter to Dwayne
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Pick up the flag gun
Exit the room and go downstairs
Send the green book to Hoagie
Pick up the flier from the rack
Pick up the HELP WANTED sign from the window
Exit the motel
Walk to the parking lot
Send the flier and the sign to Hoagie
Give the keys to the man in the ski mask
Skip the dialogues with mashing '.' (dot/period button)
Go back to the motel
Enter the double-door in the middle
Go to the kitchen (swinging door)
Pick up the fork from the table
Pick up the decaf and regular coffee
Exit the kitchen
Open the grating between the swinging door and the fireplace
Go towards the right until a cutscene triggers
Skip it with Backspc
Exchange the lighter gun with the flag gun
Skip the cutscene with '.' (dot/period button)
Talk to the salesman
Dialogue options: 1, 1
Skip dialogues with '.' and skip the cutscene at the end with Backspc
Go towards the right to move the teeth away
Go towards the left and trap the teeth in the grating
Pick up the teeth
Exit the room
Use crowbar on the dime stuck in a gum on the floor
Click on the dime/gum in your inventory
Skip the animation with Backspc
Send the lighter gun, the cigar and the teeth to Hoagie
Pick up the other dime from the telephone next to the grandfather's clock
Enter into the clock
Use the decaf coffee on Dr. Fred OR on the mug
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Go upstairs 2x
Enter the door on the left (W)
Use the 2 dimes on the coin slot
Pick up the sweater
Turn on the TV and skip the cutscene with Backspc
Exit the room
Go to the right
Use the crowbar on the candy machine
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Pick up the coins
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Enter the room on the right (labeled F)
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Push the speaker
Pick up the VHS tape
Use the radio/stereo
Skip cutscene ('.' first and Backspc after barf is falling from the ceiling)
Exit the room
Go to the right upstairs
Enter the door on the right
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Pick up the hamster
Use the invisible ink on the stamp collection book
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Pick up the stamp
Send the stamp to Hoagie
Switch to Hoagie

Hoagie 2:
Enter the inn
Enter the double door in the middle
Enter the kitchen
Enter the room on the right
Pick up the bucket
Open the cabinet
Pick up the brush
Exit the room
Use the bucket on the water pump
Pick up the oil and spaghetti from the shelf
Exit the kitchen
Go to the far right and give the cigar to George Washington
Skip cutscene ('.' first until they talk and Backspc after)
Give the teeth to George Washington
Skip cutscene ('.' first and Backspc after John Hancock turns his head (the guy on the left))
Pick up blanket
Put flier into the suggestion box
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Exit the room
Enter the grandfather's clock
Give HELP WANTED sign and the super battery plans to Red Edison
Skip dialogues with '.'
Pick up the lab coat
Pick up the hammer
Skip dialogue with '.'
Go upstairs 2x
Enter the door on the left
Push the bed
Pull the cord
Skip dialogue with '.'
Exit the room
Pick up the soap from the cart
Put the soap into the bucket
Enter the room on the right
Pick up the wine
Exit the room
Go to the right upstairs
Use the book on the horse
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Pick up the teeth
Enter the room on the left
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Dialogue option: 4
Skip dialogue with '.'
Exchange the hammers
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Exit the room
Go to the attic
Use the bed on the left
Use the sqeaky mattress on the bed on the right (exchange the mattresses)
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Use the bed on the right
Pick up the mouse toy
Pick up the red paint
Exit through the window
Use the blanket on the chimney
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Go back to the window
Go downstairs 3x
Enter the middle door
Go right and pick up the gold quill pen
Go to the left
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Exit the inn on the left door
Go to the right towards the path
Go to the outhouses
Paint the tree in red
Go back to the inn
Send red paint to Bernard
Enter the middle door
Go to the right
Put the wine into the capsule
Skip dialogue with '.'
Talk to George Washington
Dialogue options: 1, 1, 2, 2
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Go back towards the inn
Use the bucket of soapy water on the carriage
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Switch to Laverne

Laverne 1:
Skip cutscene ('.' first and Backspc after)
Talk to the tentacle guard
Dialogue options: 3
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Pick up the tentacle chart from the right
Exit the room and try to exit the house on the left
Skip dialogue with '.'
Talk to the tentacle guard
Dialogue options: 2
Skip dialogue with '.'
Send chart to Hoagie
Send scalpel to Bernard
Switch to Bernard

Bernard 3:
Enter the room on the left
Push Nurse Edna out of the room
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Put tape into the VHS
Look at the screen on the left
Press red record button
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Rewind
Change the play speed on the right from SP to EP
Press play
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Exit the screen by clicking away on the edge
Exit the room
Go downstairs
Send the fork to Laverne
Go to the left
Put the hamster into the freezer
Skip dialogue with '.'
Go downstairs
Enter the room next to the phone
Open the safe
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Pick up the contract
Pick up the swiss bankbook from the table
Open the drawer
Pick up the Booboo-B-Gone from the drawer and send it to Laverne
Enter the room in the middle
Use scalpel on the clown
Pick up the box o' laughs and send it to Laverne
Enter the kitchen
Enter the room on the right
Use the sweater in the washing machine
Use the coins in the coin slot
Skip dialogue with '.'
Open the cabinet
Pick up the funnel
Exit the room and the kitchen
Go up the fireplace
Pick up crank and send it to Laverne
Enter the window on the right
Pick up the rope
Exit the room from the window
Put the rope on the pulley
Go in the chimney and exit the room
Pick up the barf and send it to Laverne
Exit the motel
Put the paint on the mummy
Use the rope on the mummy
Go back to the roof through the fireplace
Pull the rope
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Go back to the roof through the fireplace
Enter the window on the right
Use the mummy on Dr. Fred
Skip dialogues with '.'
Use the rope on Dr. Fred
Exit through the window
Pull the rope
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Use funnel on Dr. Fred
Use regular coffee in the funnel
Skip cutscene (Backspc and '.')
Use the contract on Dr. Fred
Dialogue options: 4, 4
Go upstairs
Enter the door next to the phone
Send the contract to Hoagie

Hoagie 3:
Put the stamp on the contract
Go left and put the contract into the mailbox
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Enter the inn and go upstairs on the right
Send the following items to Laverne: toy mouse, horse teeth, spaghetti, can opener
Enter the room in the middle
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Put the tentacle chart onto the flag designs
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Switch to Laverne

Laverne 2:
Talk to the tentacle guard
Skip dialogues with '.'
Talk to the tentacle guard
Dialogue options: 3
Exit the room
Go to the door in the middle
Go to the fireplace
Put the crank on the crank box
Use crank
Pick up the flag
Click on the flag in your inventory
Enter the chimney
Talk to the blue tentacle on the right
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Exit the room on the left
Exit the house on the left door
Go right
Use Booboo-B-Gone on the fence
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Use the toy mouse on the cat on the roof above the entrance
Go upstairs on the right
Look at the freezer
Pick up frozen hamster
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Enter the room on the left
Use the can opener on the capsule
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Pick up the vinegar and send it to Hoagie
Exit the room
Go inside the middle room
Put the name tag on the mummy
Use the roller skates on the mummy
Push the mummy
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Pick up the cord
Exit room the go to the right upstairs
Use the barf on Harold
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Put the following things on mummy: horse teeth, spaghetti, box o' laughs
Use fork on the head of the mummy
Go right
Talk to the tentacle judges
Dialogue option: 1
Skip dialogues with '.'
Talk to the tentacle judges
Dialogue option: 1
Skip dialogues with '.'
Talk to the tentacle judges
Dialogue option: 1
Skip dialogues with '.'
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Exit the room
Go downstairs on the left
Enter the door in the middle
Enter the kitchen (door on the right)
Put the frozen hamster in the microwave
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Enter the door on the right
Open the washing machine
Pick up the sweater
Skip dialogue with '.'
Exit the room and kitchen
Enter the room in the middle
Skip dialogues with '.'
Dialogue option: 4
Give the dinner certificate to the tentacle guard
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Click on the cat in your inventory
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Exit room
Enter the room on the left
Open the grandfather's clock and enter
Put the sweater on the hamster
Put the hamster on the generator
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Use the vacuum on the mouse hole
Skip animation (Backspc)
Open the vacuum hatch
Pick up the hamster inside
Skip animation (Backspc)
Put the hamster on the generator again
Skip dialogue with '.'
Put cord on the generator
Use cord on the window
Go upstairs and exit the house on the left door
Go to the right
Use plug with cord
Skip dialogue with '.'

Hoagie 4:
Exit the room
Go downstairs into the grandfather's clock
Give the following items to Red Edison: oil, quill pen, vinegar
Skip after every give with '.'
Skip cutscene after the 3rd item with Backspc
Pick up the battery from the shelf
Skip dialogue with '.'
Go upstairs 2x
Enter the room on the right
Give the lab coat to Ben Franklin
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Click on the battery and put it in the kite either in your inventory or in your hands
Push the kite by either in your inventory or in your hands WHEN Ben Franklin says 'Now!'
Skip dialogue with '.'
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Skip dialogues with '.'
Pick up the battery
Go to the outhouses
Put the battery into the plug
Skip dialogues with '.'
Switch to Bernard

Bernard 4:
Use phone on the table
Skip dialogues with '.'
Skip cutscene (Backspc) after Dr. Fred put the diamond in the machine
Exit the room
Go to the right and open the middle door
Skip dialogues with '.'
Enter the middle door
Go through the mouse hole
Wait until you grow back to normal size
Pick up the bowling ball
Exit the room
Skip dialogues with '.'
Go downstairs on the left
Go down the grandfather's clock
Use bowling ball on the tentacles
Skip cutscene (Backspc)
Skip dialogues with purple tentacle with '.'
Talk to him after he switched back the machine
Dialogue options: 1, 4, 1, 3
End